This quarantine has been a blessing in a disguise.
I did not realize how much time I spent not being by myself.
I have been desperate to quench the thirst that I craved the most and that was solitude.
It took a global pandemic and government shut down to truly come face to face with my biggest fear, being alone.
Now I am not truly alone for I have two individuals living with me, three wonderful animals, and electronics that go above and beyond the imagination of our predecessors.
Yet, even with that, isolation is real.
I came face to face with myself for the first time in a long time.
I feared being alone.
I feared not being able to go out.
I was addicted to a drug that kept my solitude from naturally occurring.
I let myself fall.
I fell into a void of bad habits and codependent behaviors.
I lived to shop and thrift.
I thrived on eating fast food and gorging myself with ice cream at every chance I got.
I spent precious time, money, and resources on keeping me away from myself.
I forgot who I was in the drama of work, school, friends, food, shopping, driving, and not giving myself the time of day.
I lost touch.
Yet the quarantine has forcefully made me become uncomfortable.
I withdrew and unfolded the soul which I waded up and tossed into the bin.
I threw myself away and boxed my solitaire practices up for the sake of doing and being who I thought everyone else wanted me to do and be.
Yet here I am just being me!
I’ve been able to become intimate with myself again.
I’ve been able to unfold the waded up soul of mine.
I unboxed everything that I packed up and just let it all hang loose.
I finally saw myself with my own eyes.
I finally understand what and who I am.
The goals that I have for myself.
I’ve been clean for 27 days.
I’ve attended an AAA meeting every single morning, which has been Zoom. My how sobering and encouraging.
I’ve had moments of crying, laughing, and anger with those who I hold closest bro my soul.
Blessed be, the power of three!
I’ve tested the waters of being physically present with friends, while observing the mandates of health and my own boundaries.
Yet, here I am.
My struggle has been real and the withdrawal period has not completely disappeared. Yet here I am!
Can I scream that a little louder?
Here I am!
My growth has become a rapid progression of mending my soul.
I’ve held space for myself.
Being alone, I’ve faced my depression.
I’ve faced my eating habits.
I’ve faced my physical exercises.
I have faced my altar.
I have embraced my Gods.
I have embraced my faith!
I have embraced myself.
We can only lie to ourselves for so long before our sins find us out.
It’s in these points that we must choose between honoring the silence, isolation, and difficulties or we can wallow in drunken thoughts, behaviors, and emotions that push ones soul to the outer brinks of nothingness.
We must choose the direction of the sails, even when there is no wind.
You’re a Witch, make your own damn wind.
The Goddess didn’t make us weak and useless.
Who we are in isolation is who we are in togetherness. Some can just pull off a mask better than others.
I chose to let my glam team go. I fired them and all the luxurious things that they cloaked me in, as a fabulous facade.
I embrace the songs: “By The Grace of God” and “Spiritual” by Katy Perry
I looked in the mirror and decided to stay.
I’m not going to continue in this way.
I can finally see myself again.
I know I am enough just the way I am.
The Gods truly called my bluff.
Here I Am!
Here I Am!
Here I Am!
By the grace of my Gods, I picked myself back up and have started walking.
I am simply happier this way.