To Whom It May Concern,

I would like to extend my heartfelt thanks for the invaluable opportunity to experience (name of workplace) in all its glory. The disorganized scheduling, relentless attendance policies, and the baffling display of leadership have truly been an education in how to operate at the very edge of chaos. You have indeed set a new bar for what it means to be an “abomination.”

The lack of adequate staffing was particularly inspiring, it taught me to appreciate the beauty of burnout. And let’s not forget the joy of having to find my own coverage when feeling under the weather, as sick leave is apparently a myth in this fine establishment. Using PTO as holiday pay when the office is closed was another stroke of genius. It really makes one feel valued.

Of course, the perks of working here are truly unmatched. From the overworked staff barely making it to the end of the day to the laughable 401k plan, and let’s not even start on Social Security, it all adds up to a future of reward after reward! I’m sure all this was devised with the best intentions, especially considering the subtle nod to the (Christian denomination) cult you so loyally uphold. Kudos!

As I gracefully bow out, please know I’ll be thoroughly enjoying my well-deserved medical leave while you scramble to cover my shifts. Best of luck finding someone who can handle this masterpiece of dysfunction as well as I have.

May all the facilities and management rot, unmercifully and slowly.

Wishing you all the worst of luck in the future.

Sincerely,  

The Disgruntled Wiccan